"Wives Submit to your Husbands"

A romantic silhouette of a couple at sunset symbolizes marital harmony, but sparks a conversation on traditional gender roles with the phrase "Wives Submit to your Husbands."

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:22

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” 1 Peter 3:1-2

“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” Colossians 3:19

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Genesis 2:18

(Note: the original text in Hebrew does not say “helper,” it says “ezer kenegdo,” which means “suitable helper” or “help meet” (Dyck, 2024). Ezer means “warrior, ally, rescuer, protector”(Fisher, 2026). Kenegdo means “corresponding or opposite to him” (Dyck, 2024).)

The woman is called to be an ezer to her husband, which means she stands with him, not under him.

"Wives submit to your husbands." That seems like a loaded phrase, but it's not. I want to take a moment to talk about what this means, or at least what I understand it to mean from a Biblical point of view. I bring this up because it seems more and more on the internet, there is a twisted and vile view of what it means for a wife to be submissive to her husband. It is one more thing that is currently being used to attack Christianity, marriage, and the family as God designed it to be, and I want to take a minute to address this.

First, this isn't an attack on people; that's not why I am writing this. I am writing this because I think it is important for us to speak up and provide a proper understanding of the topic, but to do so in a loving way. As you read, you won't see me attacking anyone or calling anyone names. Instead, I will explain what it means and why I think so. As always, it is up to you to decide what to do with that information, but I do encourage you to go read about this topic for yourself in the Bible. I would encourage you to start with the story of Hosea and read what God tells him to do. Then go back and read Genesis to see how God created Eve and how, in the original text, she is called an "ezer." The more you read, the more you will understand.

Now that's out of the way, the prevailing view right now is that being a wife and submitting means we are some form of maid, or servants in our homes, that when the husband says jump, we are to say how high and do so. They believe it is some “patriarchy” system, where men have full control, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

However, that’s not what the Bible means by submissive. God isn’t telling women that we are to be maids or servants and that we have no voice. The original word for helper is ezer, which means warrior, rescuer, or ally. We weren’t created to be under man’s feet, but to support them, aid them, and work with them as partners.

Yes, the Bible tells us that the husband is to be the head of the household, like Christ is

Two gold wedding bands rest on an open page, symbolizing love and commitment, with an engraved date adding a personal touch to the timeless moment.

the head of the church. But the Bible also tells husbands to care for their wives, not to be harsh, but to honor, protect, and lead them. Yes, the Bible says, “wives submit to your husbands,” but not in the way that people are claiming. To submit to our husbands means to place our trust and faith in them fully as the leaders of our home. Just as we place our full faith and trust in Christ as our Savior. God doesn’t demand a slave or servant; He wants us to submit to Him willingly, because His plans for us are of hope and for our future (The Holy Bible English Standard Version, 2001, Jeremiah 29:11).

It’s like me as a mom, I want my kids to listen to me, to trust me, because I have the best of intentions for them. An example would be if my son wanted to run out and play in the middle of a busy street, and I said no, I want them to trust me that when I say no, it is to protect them.

So, how does this play out with being a wife? When we submit to our husbands, we aren’t saying that they get to call all the shots. We are saying that we trust whatever decision they make for our family will be the best one. That we trust them to provide for our family and to protect our family, even when we don’t fully understand why. It doesn’t mean that our husbands get to control us or treat us poorly.

A true Biblical marriage is one where both parties support and submit to each other. The husband loves, respects, honors, cares for, protects, provides for, and leads in the marriage. The wife loves, supports, encourages, and submits (through trust and faith) to her husband, trusting him to lead and make the best decisions for their family and marriage. A Biblical marriage is not one of control, disrespect, and demeaning another person. I say this because God does not treat us that way, and marriage is a covenant that reflects the type of relationship that He longs to have with us.

A husband and wife talking, planning and working together.

I think the best way to demonstrate this would be to share with you what my marriage looks like. In my marriage, my husband and I talk about everything that affects our family. We discuss all issues and possible solutions, and then we decide together. Whether that is a decision for or against, we make it together. My husband values my input as his wife and welcomes it, but that doesn’t mean we agree on everything, though. For instance, if we agree to move forward with something, we do. If we agree not to move forward with something, we don’t. If we can’t agree, we usually don’t move forward. There are times, however, when my husband may feel strongly about something. If he truly does and wants to do something that we did not agree on, then that is when I put my faith in him and trust that he is making the right decision for our family and our household.

My husband doesn’t need my permission to leave a toxic job, nor do I. My husband didn’t demand that I work; he said he needed me to. I agreed to work for two reasons. The first is that I wanted to work, I wanted to have a career. The second is that I wanted to contribute financially to our home and, in turn, help my husband reduce his stress and workload. You see, when I had to stay home to care for our daughter, my husband worked 80 hours a week to keep our family going. At the time, he did what he had to do, and so did I. When I got the chance to return to the workforce, I was happy to do so. If something were to happen and I needed to quit work, I would. My husband and I talk about it all the time. The only reason for me to do so would be to protect our son and provide him with an education outside of the schools. Which, believe me, we have talked about, and we both agree that if that is ever necessary, it would be done.

A wife heading to work, while the husband is being supportive and encouraging.

Now me returning to work meant something else. It meant I would not be home to take care of the house as I used to, so he would need to step up. Which he does. Both he and my son help out around the house. That also means my husband helps with dishes and laundry, and sometimes takes care of the cooking. He can make a mean steak or hamburger. He doesn’t expect me to go to work, come home, and play “housewife.” Even more, since I started back to school, I hardly have any time for cooking or cleaning. So, both he and my son pitch in. My husband understands that what I am doing benefits our family and household; therefore, he supports me.

Now think about it, does this sound like a controlling patriarchy to you? But wait, there is more, let’s not stop there!!

A wife supporting and encouraging her husband.

To go deeper, my husband doesn’t tell me what to wear, whom to talk to, or where to

go. He doesn’t follow me around or keep tabs on me. He trusts me to uphold my part of the covenant, as I trust him to uphold his. He supports me, cares for me, and encourages me, especially right now with school. He has never laid a hand on me, even during heated arguments (and yes, we have had those, few and far between, but we have had them).

He doesn’t force me to be intimate with him, nor do I, but we give ourselves willingly to each other. If, for some reason, I am not able to (sick or whatnot), he tends to my immediate needs first, and I do the same for him. I will admit that there was a time when I was less willing, but that had to do with my own insecurities and being completely uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy or sex. I mean, to be honest, I would shut down, go red in the face, and sometimes even cry at the discussion of the subject. However, God opened my eyes to it, and since then, with His help, I have been much better about it. I’m no longer uncomfortable with the idea of sex with my husband anymore, and now we are in sync the way God intended us to be.

When my husband needed it, I stood by him. I supported and encouraged him. For instance, when he had to leave jobs because they got too toxic, I supported him and often encouraged him to leave. I didn’t want him staying somewhere that was eating away at him every day. Yet, there were times when my husband would stay, not because he had to, but because he felt he needed to, which he didn’t. As hard as it was, I trusted him, and I supported him. However, I would encourage him by reminding him that he didn’t need to stay or look for other work, that he deserved better, and that he was a wonderful husband and mechanic. I did my best to lovingly combat the toxic environment that he would enter into every day, even letting him blow up and be impatient at home. I would instead give him space and lots and lots of grace. Eventually, he would finally decide to leave that job and move on.

With regard to his current job, which requires him to travel at times, I support him by doing my best to maintain the house and keep up with necessary appointments and such. I help with his horse, Tally, when she needs shots and her feet trimmed, because he can’t always be there to take care of her. If he asks me to do something, I do it, and he has never asked me to do something that I can’t do or that would put me in harm’s way. If, for some reason, I really can’t do what he asks me, I let him know, and he lovingly accepts that and finds a way to do it himself.  

There have even been times when my husband has let me “handle” situations as they came up. For instance, one job tried to be dirty-handed with him after firing him, so with his permission, I got involved. I contacted the job, told them what was needed (it was his last check they refused to give, and when they finally gave it, they deliberately shorted him, saying he took something of theirs, which later turned out he did not), and that I would be picking it up. I calmly told them that I would not accept anything less than what was owed to my husband. When I calmly confronted them about why they shorted the check, they said it was because my husband “stole” something of theirs. I simply explained that it was a baseless accusation, that they could look for the item at that moment while I was there and in front of me, or that I would be happy to call the police to address the issue. Needless to say, they didn’t like that, but I’m glad I stood my ground because we found it exactly where my husband said it was. When they had no choice but to return the funds, I politely thanked them and left. I would later find out that the HR person thought I was threatening them, but my husband didn’t buy it because he knew me well enough to know that wasn’t me. You want to know what that sounds like? It sounds like what an ezer is supposed to do. Don’t you think?

Now I’ll ask you again, does this sound like a controlling patriarchy to you? Because it doesn’t to me. That sounds like a Biblical marriage to me, one where I submit to my husband in full faith and trust, support him, and encourage him. One where my husband loves, respects, honors, protects, provides, and leads. I have never torn my husband down, and he has never torn me down.

"So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6

We may not have always gotten it right in the beginning of our marriage, but we always tried. Now, with God’s help, I feel like our marriage is exactly the way God intended it to be. Of course, it’s still a work in progress, and it always will be, but we're growing together, and we have both learned a lot in the last several years. I am not the head of this household. When it matters, I don’t make the final decisions.

However, that doesn't mean that I have to run every single decision by him first, because I don't. There are still things that I make the decisions on, but with important matters related to our home, like buying a car, taking out a loan, or making repairs, those are the things that we decide together on. I still have the freedom to decide for myself whether I want to eat out, buy clothes, get a massage, go shopping, etc. So long as it does not impact our household responsibilities (that's a mutual agreement, but I tend to be a penny pincher). I don't need his permission for any of that, and I don't just feel that way; my husband does too. In fact, he WANTS me to spend money on myself, which is really hard for me to do. So when I say that I don't make the final decisions, I'm literally talking about the big, impactful ones that affect our home, our marriage, and our family. I also don’t run this household, and I don’t dictate what will happen. That’s not my role; it’s my husband's role, and his authority is given to him by God. However, it’s a role that my husband doesn’t abuse, because it’s not how God intended that role to be exercised.

That being said, this is what a real marriage is supposed to be, this is what “wives submit to your husbands” means. It’s not about patriarchy and control, far from it. It’s about our marriage mirroring the relationship that Christ wants with us, desires with us. A willing relationship, in which we submit to His authority, placing our trust and faith in Him to provide, protect, lead, and love us. Anything less is not a true Biblical marriage; it’s not what Christ calls us to do or be.

One more thing, Christ sacrificed Himself for us, and I know that my husband would do that for me, if it were ever needed, but I would do it for him too. So the next time someone wants to attack marriage and the idea of a wife submitting to their husband, I would encourage you to take heart in knowing that God’s plan for our marriage and as wives is about more than being a slave to our husbands. It’s about building a partnership rooted in love, respect, trust, and mutual sacrifice, where both husband and wife seek to honor God through the roles He has given them, and it’s about reflecting God's design for marriage, a relationship where a wife willingly respects her husband and a husband sacrificially loves his wife as Christ loves the church.

God Bless,

K. M. Leffler

References for Sites and Sources:

Dyck, M. (2024, May 9). Created to be his helpmeet: The gift of ezer kenegdo. The Joyful Life Magazine. https://joyfullifemagazine.com/ezer-kenegdo-created-to-be-his-helpmeet/

Fisher, S. E. (2026). Helper: defining the ezer woman. Hebrew Word Lessons. https://hebrewwordlessons.com/2018/05/13/helper-defining-the-ezer-woman/

The Holy Bible English Standard Version. (2001). Crossway.