From Darkness to Grace: Part 1

So do not fear, for I am with you  do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

– Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

This is probably one of my hardest chapters. It’s chapter two, because it’s the start of my story. This story takes place when I was a child, about 4/5 years of age. It may have been the darkest time for me, but it was also the time that was filled with the most grace. It is a true testament of God’s love for us and why we are so important to Him.

I have never openly shared this story with people. In fact, there are very few outside of my family who know about this. My own children don’t even know. My husband knows, because I told him once a long time ago. But outside of that, I can literally count the number of people who know this story on one hand.

This was probably the hardest story for me to tell, because it’s the most personal. It’s the hardest thing a person can face and, being a parent now, this story hits differently. Despite that, this story has a powerful redemption piece.

You will have to wait and read about it when the book is published to know what exactly happened or what the redemption piece is. Some things I would like to share are what influenced the events in this chapter.

As a child, I don’t recall everything from that time. What I do recall is very little. The reason is that I blocked a lot of that out. My mom told me a story about when I was in preschool. 

My mom was working for a bank. She had just dropped me off at preschool and left for work. However, when she got there, she told me that felt something wasn’t right. She felt a tug that said she needed to get back to the preschool immediately. As a result, she turned around and left work.

She made her way back to the preschool and when she got there; the staff tried to prevent her from going to my preschool room. Eventually, she pushed her way past. What she found was heart breaking. My mom told me when she got to the door, she saw me crying in the corner of a dark room by myself. My class was outside and there wasn’t an adult in the room. The staff made excuses. They told her I was crying and would not stop. At that age, I was nonverbal. I felt scared, and no one even cared.

That was my first incident that set me on the path into that suffocating darkness. Thankfully, my mom pulled me from the preschool and found another one. I remember that one well. While I don’t recall everything about that time. What I recall was that I was happy. At least I think I was. My mom told me my experience there was much better, and the staff worked with me and really cared.

This is just one story. In my next post, I will share more that took place. For now, though, things were so bad that I felt as if I couldn’t break free, like I was drowning with no desire to survive. I felt weak, and I was in so much pain in my heart. The very people who I was supposed to trust destroyed my emotional and mental well-being. I was a child; I didn’t know what fighting was. I didn’t understand how to do it or where to begin. How could I? I was only 4 or 5 years old. My self-esteem was utterly destroyed. I really thought I was stupid, worthless, and more.

However, remember there is a redemption piece. A redemption that can only happen in a way that only God can do. What is it? Well, again, you will need to read the chapter to find out. I promise it will be worth the way.

I don’t touch on a lot in that chapter, but in my next blog post. I will talk a bit more about some of the other events that took place. Then, when Never Alone published, you will see and understand the consequences of those events and why I felt trapped within that darkness. Most importantly, you will understand what took place that allowed me to go from Darkness to Grace.

K. M. Leffler