Time for a Change Part 1: The Double Standard in Special Education

Two images side by side about special education. On the left, a family feeling alone and helpless, on the right, a parent and child looking happy.

This will be a multi-part post; there is just so much to say. So please bear with me.

An image of a woman feeling alone.

Being a special needs parent is hard enough without feeling like the whole world is against you. As parents, we talk a lot about surviving the difficult days and celebrating the good days. More often than not, if you are a special needs parent, you feel the stares you get in public and hear the hushed whispers of criticism that come from the people around you, including people close to you. Those things can make parents feel alone, secluded from the world around them, even defeated. It’s worse when those you trust fall away from you, leaving you to fight the battles on your own. What’s worse than that, though, is when that comes from people who are supposed to be your support, like professionals or even schools.

A child is being left out of a game.

I can’t tell you how many times I felt that, unheard, left alone to figure things out, no support, no tools to help me be successful in supporting my child’s needs. Sure, people left us, mostly out of ignorance. Just like the little girl who told my daughter she wasn’t allowed to play with her anymore, because her mom was afraid she would “catch” what my daughter had. As if anyone could “catch” autism.

Oddly enough, I could handle those battles. The ones that were the hardest were the ones where my daughter beat me daily, hitting, kicking, throwing things at me, even biting me. But the thing that made it worse was the lack of support and poor treatment we got from the schools and the school district.

School districts boast about how they care for their special needs population and their families. They boast about how hard they work to maintain a working relationship with them. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.

I know not every special needs family struggles with their schools and school districts, and if you are one of those blessed families, I am sincerely happy for you. However, many families do struggle with them, especially those with behavioral issues. Many feel let down, like the district deliberately sets them up for failure, with zero support or compassion. I know because we were that family. I know because I have talked to those families. I know because I see that with the families I work with now.

It’s because of that that it’s time for things to change.

A Special Needs family represented by 4 yellow toy figures and one blue toy figure.

First, and foremost, I want to make this clear. Children with disabilities that affect their behavior are not bad kids. They are kids who struggle to make sense of the world around them. Little things can trigger their brains to flip into fight-or-flight mode with little to no reason. This can be physical aggression, running/eloping, or verbal aggression. A lot of times, I see these kids remorseful, especially with my own, when they are finally regulated. It can even scare them, but during that moment when things have been flipped, they aren’t able to make sense of anything and find themselves prisoners of their brains. Thankfully, that’s where we can help them by using the proper supports, but that takes time.

Now with that out of the way, let’s dive in.

The Double Standard in Special Education

A school classroom with desks.

School districts tell parents, “Your child needs to be in school; you are required to get them here.” In the same breath, though, they will be the first to send them home when they can no longer manage their behaviors. It’s a double standard. They want you to do whatever it takes to get your child to school, but they can still interrupt their schooling by sending them home for the same behaviors and difficulties that we as parents face every single day.

I used to get beaten all the time, trying to get my daughter out the door, on a bus, or in the car, constantly putting myself and her in danger. I didn’t know from one minute to the next if she was going to beat me in the car, try to get out of the car to run, or refuse to get on the bus. Some days, we couldn’t even make it out the door before it was an issue. The fact was, short of tying my daughter's hands and feet together, placing her in the car, driving her to school, and dropping her off, there really wasn’t much I could do. Of course, I never did that. Never. But that’s what it would have taken to get her to school every day safely. Yet the school district constantly made me feel like a failure because I didn’t get her to school on those days. I would get bullied and intimidated by the district people all the time. When I asked for help, I was met with the same attitude that it wasn’t their problem. Of course, if I did get her to school, you could bet I would get a call within an hour or two to pick her up.

A man or father being bullied.

So, let me get this right, it’s ok for parents to be in harm’s way to force a child to school, but if that child can’t regulate at school, then it’s ok for them to be sent home? Sadly, this is still the practice today. School districts judge, criticize, bully, and intimidate parents to get their kids to school, because they aren’t allowed to miss. But the minute it becomes a problem for the school, they can completely interrupt that child’s learning and send them home. It’s ok for the parents to be black and blue attempting that, but not ok for school staff to be black and blue for keeping them there.

Before you say, “Well, school staff shouldn’t have to deal with that,” I totally agree as a Para. But why should parents be subjected to that just to meet the district's demands? The district knows about those behaviors; it knows how that student will behave. It’s not new information. If the school can’t handle that, then neither should the parents. Because here’s the thing, there is a level of trauma that happens when they constantly send those students home. It tells the students that they are broken, worthless, unlovable, and unwanted. Which just makes the behaviors worse.

Oh, let me address one more double standard with a personal story. Schools aren’t allowed to put their hands on students, unless staff are trained in CPI (Crisis Prevention Intervention). This program teaches staff to de-escalate behaviors without needing to take additional measures. However, if necessary for the safety of the student and staff, it teaches staff how to safely get out of situations (such as having our hair pulled or being bitten). In the worst case (and ONLY as an absolute last resort), the program teaches staff how to safely remove a student or properly and safely perform a hold. However, those last two things are absolute last resorts, and great effort is taken to avoid ever having to reach that level.

The word "Trust" with shattered glass represents broken trust.

That being the case, my story takes place when my daughter was in 6^th grade. It was another day when she refused to go to school. The special ed teacher called and asked if she and the resource officer could come to my home to talk to her. She assured me that if my daughter still refused, they would leave, no issues. I agreed, I thought I could trust her. That is, until they showed up.

They tried to talk to my daughter, who refused to go to school. At this point, she had been sent home every day since 4^th grade. She didn’t feel wanted, loved, and she already saw herself as defective (there’s that trauma I mentioned). So what happened next? I listened to my daughter, who had a touch aversion, let out a blood-curdling scream as they grabbed her and pulled her off the sofa, then pried her hands off the coffee table, and finally, they dragged her out of my home, literally. I watched helplessly while the teacher had my daughter by her wrists, and the officer had my daughter by her ankles, and they dragged her out of my home. Her body hung down between the two of them in a U shape. I was told not to follow. I watched helplessly as they placed her in the back of the officer’s car. They started to pull away, and my daughter got her door open and fell halfway out. The officer stopped, placed her back in, set the safety lock, then drove away. An hour later, I got a call to come pick her up.

A man holding a hand out and turning away, representing ignoring.

That October, the district and the school staff watched stone-faced as my daughter beat me relentlessly. My advocate tried to get her off of me. I asked once for help, and I was told they would not. The problem here is not only that the teacher severely violated my trust, but she also put her hands on my daughter to drag her out of my home when, by district polices, she could not. Then they called me to come get her after they traumatized her with that incident (she doesn’t trust police officers anymore or anyone in a school, which is sad, because she has considered art school, but isn’t comfortable doing so). Reinforced that she wasn’t wanted. And finally, after putting my hands on my daughter without asking, they refused to help when I did ask. Can we say double standard?

There is so much more that needs to be said. This isn’t an easy topic to discuss, but it’s time that we do. So, I will be breaking this down into multiple parts. For now, I encourage you, as parents, not to give up. You are the voice for your students. If you are feeling this way and you are frustrated with your school and district, know you are not alone. If you have a great relationship with your school and district, I pray it continues. If you don't have any students with special needs, I encourage you to listen.

Yes, it’s time for a change, and we will need to be the ones to make it happen. For now, though, please join me as I continue to share what is on my heart. Also, if this has touched your heart or resonates with you, please consider sharing. But more importantly, please know that you are not alone.

To be continued.

God Bless,

K. M. Leffler

(If you are interested in what has happened with my daughter since this time and how God got us through these difficult events, you can read that story in my book Never Alone: A Story of God's Faithfulness and Love. Which you can buy here.)