From Darkness to Grace Part 2

From Darkness to Grace Part 2

So do not fear, for I am with you  do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

– Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

I mentioned in my last blog that there was more that took place. More that pushed me further into that darkness and ultimately led to the event in my book. Now, keep in mind that some of these situations happened both before and after that event. However, I believe it’s important that you know and understand how quickly things can turn bad. It’s also important for you to know that even though some of this continued after that event and as hard as it was for me to endure, I did it because of the redemption that came.

The things I experienced from kindergarten to 2nd grade were heartbreaking. These events continued to affect me mentally and emotionally there is no doubt about that. However, I know God had everything under control. He was working behind the scenes, even if no one could see it.

I don’t recall much during those years, but here’s what I do remember.

· I received a diagnosis of a learning disability and ADD as a child. Because of being nonverbal, I received speech therapy while in school.

· I was called stupid by both teachers and students. They told me I would never succeed in life.

· I spent more time in the principal’s office than most kids do. I remember the paddle that was used for spankings, but whether I received any, I honestly can’t recall. However, because of my time spent the Principal’s office, I have a trauma response regarding anyone in a position of authority. I get nervous, anxious and I will even cry if I don’t know what’s happening.

· My mom told me my teachers would report that I would jump up and start singing songs about my dog or telling stories. I was never a bad kid who was disrespectful. My brain was just wired differently.

· The school forced my mom to put me on medication. She did for a short time, but she said she didn’t like how I was taking it, and she also didn’t believe that was the solution. So, she took me off of it without telling the school. Then she asked my teachers how I was doing and they reported to my mom that I was like a different kid! They stated I was doing so well. Emphasizing that I was more focused and not struggling during class anymore. That’s when she revealed she had removed me from the medication and when she knew there was more happening, then what they were leading her to believe.

· There was an incident, I don’t remember the cause, but I know my parents were called. The Principal wanted to spank me, and my parents refused. They were told they would notify my parents of what “punishment” I was to be given. However, I found out that never happened. Instead, I had to stay after school. After everyone had left, I had to pick up the trash off the playground. I don’t know what story they told my parents, but they didn’t know that was my punishment.

· My mom later asked me if I ever remembered being locked in a closet by a teacher. I told her I couldn’t remember much about that time. So, I couldn’t give her an answer. I asked her why. She told me she found out that a substitute that I had during my time there. My mom told me this substitute had a reputation for locking kids in a closet when they “misbehaved.” Oddly enough, I’ve always had a fear of dark enclosed, small spaces. While I can’t be 100% sure that’s related, it would explain my fear. Especially since fears are the product of some form of trauma. So, I wouldn’t doubt that it happened· The school and the district we were in threatened to remove me from my home if my parents pulled me from school and placed me elsewhere. They tried to convince my parents that it was illegal for them to do so, even to move me to a private school that was just down the street. This made it difficult for my mom to help me. Eventually, though, my parents removed me from that school and placed me in a private school.

No child should ever have to go through abuse like this and that’s exactly what this was. Abuse. My lack of memories of those three years was the result of the trauma that I experienced. The overall outcome of these events left me feeling lost in a cold and suffocating darkness. There was no light, no warmth, no love. Despite being very much loved by my parents.

That being said, I know God loves us, each of us. I think there is another purpose for why this story is the second chapter of the book. It’s shows that no matter how strong the storms are, or how engulfing the darkness is, there is always grace. Grace that comes from His love for us. Grace that gives us peace and hope. It’s that grace that reminds us to focus on Him. His grace is the one thing that, even when we feel lost and broken inside, can pull us out of the darkness and out of those waves of despair and back to Him.

I would like to say that things like these do not happen anymore. However, they still do. It might look different, it might not be as obvious and you might have to look harder to see it, but it does still happen. This chapter in my book, I hope, brings light to these types of things and gives hope to parents who may have a child that might be struggling. Fact is, when God is involved, when He is the center of your life, He can do some amazing things. God took my experiences and gave me strength in ways I can’t explain. He took me from darkness to grace, and I know He can do that for anyone.

Sincerely,

K. M. Leffler